Goodbye, dear friend

Dear Kodachrome,

I was saddened—but not shocked—to hear that Dwayne’s Photo in Parsons, Kansas, the only remaining K-14 lab in the world, would no longer be accepting you for processing. I think we both knew this day was coming. You were an archaic, environmentally-unfriendly process.

Only… why did you have to be so God damned beautiful?

Merry Christmas from Exploding Goldfish Films

Merry Christmas/happy holidays from us and ours to you and yours. In the spirit of the season, here is a very short film for your enjoyment.

Based on a true story.

On the subject of soup

 
[scrippet]

EXT. STREET – DAY

WILLIAM follows ANNA down the street, bombarding her with questions.

WILLIAM
What’s your favorite color?

ANNA
Blue.

WILLIAM
Favorite food?

ANNA
Whatever you don’t eat.

WILLIAM
Any brothers or sisters?

ANNA
Not as far as you know.

WILLIAM
What does your father do for a living?

ANNA
Gets drunk and beats the shit out of hippies.

WILLIAM
What’s your mother like?

ANNA
She’d hate you, if that’s what you mean.

WILLIAM
That isn’t what I mean.

ANNA
This is absurd. Why are you doing this?

WILLIAM
Your mother–is she employed?

ANNA
She runs a soup kitchen.

WILLIAM
That’s an unusual job.

ANNA
Why are you doing this?

WILLIAM
Is she a big fan of the homeless, your mother?

ANNA
No, she’s a big fan of soup.

WILLIAM
See, now that’s something your mother and I have in common. My favorite soup is minestrone. What’s yours?

ANNA
Get away from me.

WILLIAM
Does your mother have any brothers or sisters?

ANNA
She’s got a brother. He’s dead now, but if he were alive he’d kick your ass.

WILLIAM
I don’t doubt it. Want to have dinner with me?

ANNA
No.

WILLIAM
How about now?

ANNA
No.

WILLIAM
The problem with soup is that it’s just so wet, you know?

ANNA
That’s funny, Mom was just saying that to me last night.

WILLIAM
Really?

ANNA
No.

Anna climbs onto a bus. The doors slam in William’s face, and it drives away.

[/scrippet]

His name is Ward Armstrong

He travels through time and space.

The West Postulate

As my annual birthday present to myself, I’ll take the next few days to post some things on this blog that I have written. Some of these were early prose treatments for short films, others were never meant to be movies. All of them I’m proud of (or at least amused by), and it’s time to set them free.

Here’s the first one. I was initially planning on making this into a short back when it was more relevant, but I never got around to it. I actually think it stands on its own in written form rather well:

Hello. I’m award-winning writer/director Andrew Gingerich, and I’m here today because I have made a major scientific breakthrough. Follow me.

It all began with a simple hypothesis, first put forth by Professor Emeritus Kanye West of MTV University:

GEORGE BUSH DOESN’T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE

Now, this turns out to be true, as illustrated by this venn diagram:

What George Bush cares about

But as recent events in the Gulf have shown, the West Postulate is only part of the story. Drawing upon my wealth of experience as an entertainment professional, I set out to expand upon West’s initial theory. This was my first attempt:

BARACK OBAMA DOESN’T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE

That didn’t seem quite right, so I tried again:

BP DOESN’T CARE ABOUT WATERFOWL

True, but a little too specific, and I was out of ideas. I went to bed that night, frustrated and exhausted. As I tossed and turned in fitful sleep, I was visited in a dream by a small flying troll, who offered to grant me two wishes.

First I wished for a successful career in film, and he hit me in the face with a rake.

Then I wished for a solution to my quandary, and out of the dark mire of my subconscious arose these shimmering words:

NOBODY CARES ABOUT LOUISIANA.

No, Louisiana, we don’t want any gumbo. We don’t understand jazz. Don’t get us wrong, we’re sure Louisiana is very nice. … We’ve just never been there. To us it’s just another imaginary place. LIKE PANDORA.

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