Two days ago I came home from class to discover a mysterious brown package on my bed. It was addressed to me, from Vvinni*, and somehow it made its way into my bedroom without my knowledge or approval. A bomb, I hope? Fortunately, I was wrong.
I let it sit for a few hours and absorb the essence of my “bedroom” (while waiting to see if it would explode), then I zipped off and did a quick television interview. When I returned, however, I knew it would be my duty to open, catalog and dissect the contents of the box.
The outer skin of the package was made of brown paper bags. A few quick cuts with a knife revealed a cardboard box, plastered in red duct tape and with some sort of ransom-note-collage consuming a corner of it. I immediately recognized images of Ralph Nader and Vladimir Putin, and knew that I was in for some sort of ordeal.
Some more slicing allowed me to open up the box and peer inside. My eyes were immediately assaulted by a sea of bright colors and complicated shapes. And part of a fork, for some reason.
These clippings were all collaged onto a cardboard base that, with some more cutting, gave way to reveal a larger compartment underneath, and more complicated shapes.
A smaller, oddly-shaped package was contained in this compartment, and covered with the same sort of magazine clippings. The larger box was lined with aluminum foil and inscribed with the message “What you Fear is Yourself.” I cut away the foil lining the box. Underneath were approximately eleven human hairs.
Before I turned my attention to the smaller package, I decided to further investigate the outer box.
The region of the outer box that had been engulfed by this horrifying collage turned out to conceal a secret panel, underneath which were hidden two notebook pages describing the process by which the package had been created (read on for the full text).
Then I turned my attention to the oddly-shaped parcel. To my dismay, it was noticeably damp on the bottom and smelled vaguely of cabbage… and something else. I hacked and slashed at it with my trusty knife, opening up several empty compartments before finally arriving at a rectangular package, wrapped in text describing the Mayan calendar and its relationship to the year 2012.
More cutting and the damp wrapping was removed, revealing a plastic envelope inscribed in black ink a sea of troubling words that reminded me of the letters Charles Manson writes from prison. Other writing on the envelope revealed that Vvinni had mailed it to himself.
Inside the bag?
A single black VHS tape, devoid of any identifying marks.
Here is what was on the tape:
Oh, and here is the full text of the note detailing his process:
- Writer Hiezenberg on 1 Netf(?)
- Write Crime and Punishment on 2 Netflix.
- Take all products from magazine.
- Boil with Parsley and Lemon
- Also soap.
- Place in Bowl for Drying
- Coat the Box in Aluminum foil. that way they can’t read the information.
- Put the papers in.
- Make “In Fridge” and dub to THE TAPE.
- Repeat Previous steps as needed.
- Place tape in bag
- Inscribe bag with Beatles’ Lyrics.
- Wrap bag in 2012
- Place “Package” in complicated Box.
- Build Complicated Box
- Boil more Products and words with garlic, glue and lemon.
- Cover the Complicated Box in the paper.
- Place Paper Mache Complicated Box in larger Box.
- Cover with Glued Cardboard.
- Create an I Spy out of Cardboard Cover
- Close Box, Tape it Shut. Tape it very much.
- Staple these directions to leftover Cardboard.
- Secure directions to bottom with leftover paper goop.
- Wait to dry.
- Wrap in Paper Bag.
- Inscribe address on top and send.
Needless to say, I will be responding… somehow.
Read more about the mail adventures:
* As an aside, Vvinni appears to have traveled back in time from the future in order to comment on his own blog posts. We’ll see how that all unfolds.