FORT COLLINS — The city was rocked today when two amateur filmmakers, apparently attempting to bury a cabinet in their back yard, struck a gas line. Neighbors reported that the boys took a cabinet out from the house, began digging in their yard, and then exploded. One startled onlooker described the resulting concussive blast “as though God Himself was speaking to me,” adding, “He told me to kill.”
Ida Connolly, the next-door neighbor of the would-be filmmaker recounted her thoughts leading up to the explosion. “I was like, ‘what the hell are those kids doing?’ and then they exploded.” The filmmakers were apparently desperate for storage space, prompting them to resort to burying furniture in their yard.
The filmmaker’s house, as well as several trees and a nearby vehicle were mangled beyond recognition. The explosion also sparked several fires which are now raging through the city. “IT WAS SO COOL!” noted a young boy. “MY HOUSE BURNED DOWN WITH MY PARENTS INSIDE!”
Libertarian Mayor Doug Hutchinson said he would have deployed firefighters if he had thought that the situation “warranted government intrusion into the private lives of citizens.” Experts expect the city to be leveled by noon tomorrow.