Plot outline for the unwritable script for the unfilmable film: THE FUTURE (Starting Tomorrow Evening at 8:14 PM)

Happy birthday, me!

  1. Jimmy Carter hangs himself in his Georgia home.
  2. Initial attempts to keep his cause of death quiet fail when it leaks that it was a suicide.
  3. There is a media circus.
  4. We all forget about the writers’ strike.
  5. The White House is put in an unenviable position due to the antagonistic remarks they had made about Carter in the past.
  6. Some speculate that the White House Press Secretary’s comment that Carter was growing “increasingly irrelevant” had been the direct cause of the suicide.
  7. Conspiracy theorists say Carter was killed for making too much noise about the policies of the current administration.
  8. The Democrats all start feeling sorry for themselves.
  9. They lose the 2008 presidential election to… Tom Tancredo!
  10. By his second term in 2014, all the bees in North America are dead and Manchester United wins the World Cup.
  11. Meanwhile, somewhere in Southeast Asia, a butterfly forgets to flap its wings and two hurricanes run into each other.
  12. For an encore, Barack Obama says something nice about President Tancredo and gets beaten to death by an angry mob of shoe manufacturers.
  13. It turns out that it wasn’t Jimmy Carter after all, but just a body double.
  14. The real Jimmy carter is living in a Yurt in Argentina (he herds goats for a living, but he has a bad hip).
  15. After that, things get kind of strange.
  16. Thailand, which has been keeping pretty much to itself for the past few decades, turns out to have been amassing an enormous military, and it conquers China.
  17. This really freaks out Japan, not to mention North Korea.
  18. President Tancredo, isolationist that he is, is at a loss (as you can imagine).
  19. Pakistan takes charge of the situation by nuking the hell out of Bolivia.
  20. This sets in motion a chain of events that ultimately leads to the deaths of millions, and also the scuffed elbow of a turkey farmer in Utah (who knew such stupid birds could be so violent?).
  21. Then there’s the grizzly bear that gets elected governor of Vermont in 2021 (it’s a fiscal conservative).
  22. Unfortunately, it is assassinated mere months into its term when hunting season starts, and it’s accused of eating the neighbors’ cats.
  23. But the lieutenant governor is an ocelot! (Which in itself is extraordinary, as one would imagine that bears and ocelots are natural enemies.)
  24. Then Vice President Guliani gets eaten by a pack of feral dachshunds.
  25. The New York Times headline the next day reads: AMERICA IS GOING TO THE DOGS.
  26. Bill O’Reillly gets so excited that he poops himself live on the air.
  27. Then, using a clever marketing strategy, Wal*Mart conquers Spain.
  28. Portugal, startled by this militant form of capitalism, turns socialist and launches itself into space.
  29. Several days later, France surrenders to Circuit City and Poland announces that it is now a major retail chain.
  30. The pressure that this corporatization places on the global economy completely devalues the dollar, the euro and the yen, forcing all major industrialized countries to adopt the buttermilk pancake as a unit of currency.
  31. IHOP shareholders rejoice.
  32. In the middle of the Mojave Desert in California, a bee the approximate size and shape of a league-regulation football sets off on a long voyage to Las Vegas, to find fame and fortune as a lounge singer.
  33. It is hit and killed by a dairy truck driving at full tilt to the national treasury.
  34. Geologists in Panama announce the discovery of a finite and non-renewable but very large deposit of naturally-occurring banana pudding beneath the ocean floor.
  35. Unfortunately, it went sour in 1997.
  36. Pundits decide that somehow this is all because of Communism.
  37. China fires back with accusations that the capitalist nations of the world have conspired to restrict the world supply of hush puppies.
  38. When asked why China has such an intense need for hush puppies, the Chinese ambassador to Argentina quickly and quietly resigns.
  39. Seeing the Chinese embassy in Buenos Aires thrown into turmoil, the Lizard People choose this moment to strike.
  40. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg reveals herself to be a giant iguana (and also a terrific ballroom dancer).
  41. Strangely, nobody seems to notice or care.
  42. Freely and without coercion, an aging David Bowie admits to a concert audience that he’s actually been a robot since 1971.
  43. Bowie’s next album, My Strange Insane Robot Brain, disappoints glam rock fogeys worldwide when, rather than being nominated for a Grammy®, it is instead eaten by a pack of feral dachshunds (same).
  44. Al Gore calls a press conference to announce to the world that, due to some oversight, he is still alive (and has been since 1948)
  45. An eventful year follows when the influenza virus discovers both fire and the wheel, within weeks of each other.
  46. This discovery sets the world of science alight (sometimes literally).
  47. In a tragedy of untold proportions, the People’s Republic of Portugal burns up on reentry.
  48. Jimmy Carter (he’s still alive?), cranky old bastard that he has become, merely points and laughs until he is knocked over and eaten by goats.
  49. “Bland and stringy,” report the goats, “but better than Walter Mondale.”
  50. IS THIS THE END FOR JIMMY CARTER!? Tune in next week to find out!

9 thoughts on “Plot outline for the unwritable script for the unfilmable film: THE FUTURE (Starting Tomorrow Evening at 8:14 PM)

  1. Ever since you told me about this idea, I’ve really wanted it to becomes something. It was a little more topical in the past, but it is still pretty fresh.

    And happy birthday. You’re one day short of being a year older than me, so HA!

  2. All the bees except for that ellipsoidal freak! That was the point! And you’ll see that even he bought it eventually.

    It’s so sad.

    It just…

    It just makes me want to cry.

    But I won’t, because that would make you all uncomfortable.

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