To Hell With Everything

A quick preface – I’m just kind of bored, okay? I’m at work here. And also, this is a mindless, spiteful rant that’s been building inside me for almost two years now – since I saw these movies in theaters. Anyways, I swear I’m not this angry in real life. Sorry that this is going to be a completely irrelevant and incoherent, error-filled post.

Ahem.

Fuck you, Oliver Stone. Fuck you, Ang Lee. And fuck you, George Miller, Warren Coleman and John Collee.

“But hey, Ethan, who were those last 3 people?” I’ll tell you who they were. They were those assholes responsible for the biggest pile of left-wing hollywood ejaculate filth masquerading as a children’s film in the history of cinema, Happy Feet. And I know what you’re going to say. “It’s a kid’s movie about dancing penguins! What’s not awesome about that?” I know. I know. Those were my exact thoughts when I was going into the theater to see it. But guess what? The last hour of the movie is about how HUMANS ARE RUINING THE PENGUINS’ ENVIRONMENT AND ALL THE PENGUINS ARE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE OF US! Oh, and then you know what happens? The humans realize their wrongs when they witness a penguin dancing! And then they dance with the penguin! And vow never to hurt the environment again! WHAT THE FUCK? I’m going to kill everyone! And it won a fucking Oscar! WHAT THE FUCK?! Please, please, never show this to your children. I’m not making any political statement here, but this movie is LOW! They could present fact if they wanted, but they instead decide to hide a self-righteous and ideological (but kind of uninformed) political message under the guise of a dancing penguin! This is called lying and playing dirty, Hollywood. You fuckers.

Also, I’m disappointed in you, Elijah Wood and Robin Williams. Eat shit.

Next, World Trade Center. Anything good that Oliver Stone might have done in the rest of his illustrious career is eclipsed by the tremendous assfuck that is World Trade Center. Sure, it looks like it might be a somber and insightful reflection on the events of September 11th, but it’s really just Oliver Stone being like, “Hey. You guys. I’m Oliver Stone. Let’s make this movie about NOTHING and then maybe we can go jerk off? Okay.” Nicolas Cage decided to try and play a block of wood in this movie. And I don’t mean that like his acting is wooden in this movie. His acting is good. It just seems like he’s trying to convince the audience that he literally is a block of wood. The movie’s final note is one fireman saying to another something along the lines of, “Someone’s going to have to pay for this.” YEAH! OH HEY YOU GUYS IT’S ME OLIVER STONE AGAIN LET’S PRETEND THAT THIS WHOLE TIME I WAS TRYING TO MAKE A STATEMENT. Just because you say something that’s supposed to resound at the end of the film doesn’t mean that you all of a sudden lend meaning to the past two hours of BULLSHIT that I just watched! The characters are supposed to be real people, but their relationships are completely artificial, and the ending is the most retarded thing in the world. The only thing that could’ve made the ending any more forced and falsely joyful would’ve been if the final shot had been the two towers, rebuilt, completing the NYC skyline once more.

And lastly, Ang Lee. What makes Brokeback Mountain in particular so tragically bad is that it had so much potential. And then Mr. Lee came along, took that potential, and decided to fuck it in both eyesockets while it was being crucified upside-down. Originally, this was a beautiful and heartbreaking story. Instead, it’s a rather directionless political middle finger. Mr. Lee, everything about you sucks. Sure, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was okay, but Hulk?! And then this?! And then, Lust, Caution?! OH HEY I’M ANG LEE I’M GOING TO MAKE AN NC-17 MOVIE BECAUSE I CAN. THAT IS REASON ENOUGH. Congratulations, you stupid bastard. You just made the biggest budget softcore porno ever. Also, Brokeback Mountain is just plain boring! So many ultra-wide shots that hold for like five minutes! Gah! You anger me with your misguided political ammo! THESE ARE THE MOVIES! Bastard.

So there we have it. The three most disappointing movies, according to me. I am a tool.

8 thoughts on “To Hell With Everything

  1. I’d be lying if I said I read the whole thing, but applause all around! Way to rant!

    I… I haven’t seen any of those movies. So… uhh… I probably won’t watch them ever.

  2. Wow. That was quite intense.

    Happy Feet: Agreed on the general irritation of slipping that odd message into the movie, but I don’t think it was some secret plan to sneak leftist ideology into a children’s movie – I think it was just horrible writing.

    World Trade Center: Shoot me now. They should have added Tom Hanks and Keanu Reeves and made it one big block of wood party.

    Brokeback: Also agreed, for the most part. The acting was very good, the story was good, and it closely resembled the book. However, I’ll admit that all three times I saw it, I fell asleep near the end. BORING.

    Oliver Stone is a wanker.

  3. “OH! A dancing penguin! How cut — AARGGHH GOD NOOO what have the humans done?! Fuck us all!!” I think that sums up my reaction to Happy Feet. I also was very angry that Elijah Wood’s penguin was insanely fugly when he grew up. God…fuck Happy feet.

    As for the other two rants, I didn’t see World Trade Center, and didn’t find Brokeback Mountain bad enough to deserve an angry rant, but I do give you major props for ranting. Bravo!

  4. Well Andrew, I DID read the whole thing. So therefore, I’m better than you (i.e I have less to do and more horrible crushing boredom). And I haven’t seen any of those movies, but really any of the 9/11 films that are coming out around this time I don’t have much faith in. Given a couple of decades, perhaps a good film of it will come around. Happy Feet? I’ve heard bad things about it. And it isn’t the first time Robin Williams has done environmental propaganda, the first one being the amazing Environmentalist Propaganda film of the mid-90’s “Ferngully”. Finally, Brokeback Mountain: I thought people liked this movie. Meh. I haven’t seen it.

    So, to close: We’re all tools, Ethan. I prefer to think of myself as a Pnumatic Stapler. SHCOONK!

  5. The difference between Ferngully and Happy Feet is that Ferngully’s message was not veiled. It was all about the rainforest. Happy Feet’s message is subtle and backhanded. Nothing is ever really stated. If I had a kid who watched Ferngully, I’d give him the other side of the story. If I had a kid who watched Happy Feet, I’d have to shoot him because he would already be ruined forever.

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