A quick preface – I’m just kind of bored, okay? I’m at work here. And also, this is a mindless, spiteful rant that’s been building inside me for almost two years now – since I saw these movies in theaters. Anyways, I swear I’m not this angry in real life. Sorry that this is going to be a completely irrelevant and incoherent, error-filled post.
Fuck you, Oliver Stone. Fuck you, Ang Lee. And fuck you, George Miller, Warren Coleman and John Collee.
“But hey, Ethan, who were those last 3 people?” I’ll tell you who they were. They were those assholes responsible for the biggest pile of left-wing hollywood ejaculate filth masquerading as a children’s film in the history of cinema, Happy Feet. And I know what you’re going to say. “It’s a kid’s movie about dancing penguins! What’s not awesome about that?” I know. I know. Those were my exact thoughts when I was going into the theater to see it. But guess what? The last hour of the movie is about how HUMANS ARE RUINING THE PENGUINS’ ENVIRONMENT AND ALL THE PENGUINS ARE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE OF US! Oh, and then you know what happens? The humans realize their wrongs when they witness a penguin dancing! And then they dance with the penguin! And vow never to hurt the environment again! WHAT THE FUCK? I’m going to kill everyone! And it won a fucking Oscar! WHAT THE FUCK?! Please, please, never show this to your children. I’m not making any political statement here, but this movie is LOW! They could present fact if they wanted, but they instead decide to hide a self-righteous and ideological (but kind of uninformed) political message under the guise of a dancing penguin! This is called lying and playing dirty, Hollywood. You fuckers.
Also, I’m disappointed in you, Elijah Wood and Robin Williams. Eat shit.
Next, World Trade Center. Anything good that Oliver Stone might have done in the rest of his illustrious career is eclipsed by the tremendous assfuck that is World Trade Center. Sure, it looks like it might be a somber and insightful reflection on the events of September 11th, but it’s really just Oliver Stone being like, “Hey. You guys. I’m Oliver Stone. Let’s make this movie about NOTHING and then maybe we can go jerk off? Okay.” Nicolas Cage decided to try and play a block of wood in this movie. And I don’t mean that like his acting is wooden in this movie. His acting is good. It just seems like he’s trying to convince the audience that he literally is a block of wood. The movie’s final note is one fireman saying to another something along the lines of, “Someone’s going to have to pay for this.” YEAH! OH HEY YOU GUYS IT’S ME OLIVER STONE AGAIN LET’S PRETEND THAT THIS WHOLE TIME I WAS TRYING TO MAKE A STATEMENT. Just because you say something that’s supposed to resound at the end of the film doesn’t mean that you all of a sudden lend meaning to the past two hours of BULLSHIT that I just watched! The characters are supposed to be real people, but their relationships are completely artificial, and the ending is the most retarded thing in the world. The only thing that could’ve made the ending any more forced and falsely joyful would’ve been if the final shot had been the two towers, rebuilt, completing the NYC skyline once more.
And lastly, Ang Lee. What makes Brokeback Mountain in particular so tragically bad is that it had so much potential. And then Mr. Lee came along, took that potential, and decided to fuck it in both eyesockets while it was being crucified upside-down. Originally, this was a beautiful and heartbreaking story. Instead, it’s a rather directionless political middle finger. Mr. Lee, everything about you sucks. Sure, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was okay, but Hulk?! And then this?! And then, Lust, Caution?! OH HEY I’M ANG LEE I’M GOING TO MAKE AN NC-17 MOVIE BECAUSE I CAN. THAT IS REASON ENOUGH. Congratulations, you stupid bastard. You just made the biggest budget softcore porno ever. Also, Brokeback Mountain is just plain boring! So many ultra-wide shots that hold for like five minutes! Gah! You anger me with your misguided political ammo! THESE ARE THE MOVIES! Bastard.
So there we have it. The three most disappointing movies, according to me. I am a tool.