As my annual birthday present to myself, I’ll take the next few days to post some things on this blog that I have written. Some of these were early prose treatments for short films, others were never meant to be movies. All of them I’m proud of (or at least amused by), and it’s time to set them free.
Here’s the first one. I was initially planning on making this into a short back when it was more relevant, but I never got around to it. I actually think it stands on its own in written form rather well:
Hello. I’m award-winning writer/director Andrew Gingerich, and I’m here today because I have made a major scientific breakthrough. Follow me.
It all began with a simple hypothesis, first put forth by Professor Emeritus Kanye West of MTV University:
GEORGE BUSH DOESN’T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE
Now, this turns out to be true, as illustrated by this venn diagram:
But as recent events in the Gulf have shown, the West Postulate is only part of the story. Drawing upon my wealth of experience as an entertainment professional, I set out to expand upon West’s initial theory. This was my first attempt:
BARACK OBAMA DOESN’T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE
That didn’t seem quite right, so I tried again:
BP DOESN’T CARE ABOUT WATERFOWL
True, but a little too specific, and I was out of ideas. I went to bed that night, frustrated and exhausted. As I tossed and turned in fitful sleep, I was visited in a dream by a small flying troll, who offered to grant me two wishes.
First I wished for a successful career in film, and he hit me in the face with a rake.
Then I wished for a solution to my quandary, and out of the dark mire of my subconscious arose these shimmering words:
NOBODY CARES ABOUT LOUISIANA.
No, Louisiana, we don’t want any gumbo. We don’t understand jazz. Don’t get us wrong, we’re sure Louisiana is very nice. … We’ve just never been there. To us it’s just another imaginary place. LIKE PANDORA.